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Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Nine years

It has been a long time.  So long that I had trouble figuring out how to get back in to this site.  Today is the ninth anniversary.  Bruce would have been 63 years old. 

Bebe is ailing and it makes this anniversary so much harder.  Even though my life is full of lots of good people and things, there are challenges.  Especially today.

So, here I am.  Turning the corner?  New street perhaps?




Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Approaching significant days

Friday will be 7 years-hard to believe it and yet I can still feel the ache of missing him.  And life continues to be up and down.  I do appreciate the wonderful pieces to my life: the family, the kids and grand kids.  I have made some very big decisions, and I have no regrets.  Life would have been completely different with Bruce in it-that is a given.  The person I have become is still recognizable but there have been alterations.  BUT- In addition to all of the great things and changes - there is definitely a void.  
Bruce announced his presence in every way-he did not even know how to whisper.  So of course life feels a bit more empty without him.  True he has left me Bebe-who also demands full attention.  And in a crazy way I feel his presence in her.  When she barks in the middle of the night to take my warm spot in the bed-it reminds me that Bruce really needed me by his side. 

Next month another milestone-a major birthday which to me is hard to acknowledge - I really wanted to grow old with him and now I am approaching the downhill slide and he is gone.  Unable to appreciate the "fruits of his labor" - the wonderful parents his children have become, the beautiful grandchildren so full of life and enthusiasm for the world.  I am struck daily by how much he would have loved being a grandfather and how suited he would have been in the role.

Often I find myself about to utter a nutty phrase of his or mine to a stranger-hoping to get the acknowledgement of the shared joke and I do feel that pang of disappointment.  I try not to look back but instead look ahead to the life I can create for myself.  Hard on these significant days.........

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Finally-I have found my way back.  I am a bit emotionally overwhelmed these days and need to try and keep on an even keel.  Taking care of myself is important.

So off to bed, more tomorrow.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

2016

Long long time.  So have I been climbing Mount Everest?  Sailing the seas?
No-just trying to deal with the challenges of the world and my private space.
I had trouble getting to the blog it has been so long.  Grief street is still in my neighborhood.

The other day-I had a moment of longing so intense it stopped me in my tracks.  I miss Bruce.  I thought about his quirky sense of humor and I so wanted to see him.  Of course I think of him every single day-and of course I miss him.  But this feeling was like that of missing a best friend-one who you would call to check in with.  And guess what-I can't do that.  And I guess for a moment I felt angry.  I was not aware of any anger before but I felt it acutely the other day when I thought about his health and the fact that he did not take care of himself for a good part of his life and how he died.

Next month I hit the seven year mark.  Long time and lots has transpired.  So many things in my life that are good and that Bruce would have wanted to be part of - and it is so terribly sad.

Promise I will be back!

Friday, May 15, 2015

At a Loss

I have been calling my sister-in-law every evening.  And last night the phone call was so heart wrenching, that I had difficulty sleeping.  I want so much to be comforting, but unfortunately do not know what to say, or do to be a comfort.  And is there any comfort?  I suppose not.  And it is so strange to be in the position that so many of my friends and family have been in for the past 6 years.  I am definitely at a loss.

So I have been thinking about what it means to be sympathetic, empathetic, and how best to comfort.  It is not about giving advice-there really is no advice that you can give a mother who loses a child (or a wife who loses a husband).  And as I often remark-it is not a one size fits all world-so what comforted me-may not comfort her.  But it also isn't something that you can ask about to the person you are trying to comfort.  If you were to ask me - what comforted me when my husband died, or now that I am struggling with the death of my mom, or the death of my niece, I am not sure that I would know.  It certainly will be something I think about.

Can we give lessons in empathy?  Is there a rule book on what to say and how to say it?  I know that my presence is helpful-just be there.  But at what point is more required?

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Managing the Losses

Last week my family suffered another huge loss.  My 30 year old niece was found dead.  It seemed that she did not show up for work and then when the police came to her apartment-they discovered her body in her bed.  They think that she went to bed and then did not wake up-and the cause of death has yet to be determined.

How do we cope with this?  My sister-in-law has been through so much loss-her father when she was 10, her mother at 24, her husband at 30, her brother at 60.  Now the loss of her daughter - and the funeral was on Mother's day.  My niece was an only child-so cherished by her mom, that they were best friends.

In the past six years-I too have been through many losses.  Bruce's death was sudden, then the death of my best friend's husband, most recently my mom, and now my niece.  And I wonder how we deal with this much.  True, I believe that we can be resilient.  But it is not a given that we will experience these losses and continue on with our life.  There are those who do not cope, who cannot move on.
I have been told to focus on what I have-and our growing family.  But it seems to me that it is not that simple.  Almost like the theory that bringing home a new dress will replace a favorite that you now must discard.  And that analogy is ludicrous - but that is all we have.

In a few weeks, I will welcome a new grandchild and I am so grateful for the family that surrounds me.  But the weight of the loss stays with me.  How do we continue to put one foot in front of the other, to welcome the additions as we mourn the losses?

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Cumulative Losses

I am sad.  Sad and lonely.  Bruce is gone, my mom is gone and I am alone in the house.  True - I have my wonderful children and grandchildren, my terrific aunt and cousins close by.  Is it enough?  No-I continue to long for a person to wake up next to, someone who, if in the middle of the night I have a nightmare will hold me and tell me that it was just a dream.

And yet, that one thing remains elusive.  So is the answer to try hard not to need it?  Or to continue searching for it-even though the changes of getting it seem dim.  And as time passes, I continue to be so sad and think about the cumulative losses.