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Monday, August 17, 2009

beautiful island

I am here, on this beautiful island. A place that we came before and I never imagined how much I would miss him. It is not just that at the resort, they ask if Mr. B will be joining us, or is staying with us, or that the room is in his name. It is as if I can feel his hand in mine, envision us as a couple at this restaurant, or traveling down this road that we traveled so many times before. So hard to relive the time here, and yet I had longed for these memories to come easily. I got my wish. But it hurts to remember. It is not as if I will remember and then make some new ones. The memories are all I have and they are grossly inadequate. They hurt and yet are strangely comforting.
I am working hard to feel his presence when I remember. I can picture us after the wedding when we first came here. We stayed at this perfectly adequate resort across the street from the beach. The resort was a step down from our usual decadent choice and I was disappointed. The routine that we developed though was fun and we explored the island eagerly since it was the first time that we had come here. We got so good at being on vacation unlike our early days when we were so stressed we could not be away without feuding over some silly issue. I miss our rhythm that we created when we went away.
I even savor the ice cream that is so good here and that you can't get anywhere else. I can picture us eating it. I always got the cone and he always got 2 scoops in a cup. We would giggle as we were eating the ice cream, like little children having something forbidden. He enjoyed things so much when we were away.
Actually it was strange that he could get so negative sometimes and complain non-stop. But I think at the end of his life, he was more appreciative of things and really had fun. Some of the critic in him faded and the little boy emerged. Sometimes he seemed to find wonder in the most common things.
And he so loved Hawaii. When we were here 2 winters ago and I told him I could live here, he was delighted-almost ready to move. I told him that I must have been delusional to say this but he was already planning the business that he would open here and got others to work on this.
So hard to be here without him, knowing that I will never be here with him again.

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