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Friday, August 21, 2009

Family

It was 6 months yesterday. I noted the day and have been thinking about the passage of time since then. Am I different-of course. I am deep down sad, pangs of despondency and resignation. I think I am still getting used to him not being there. We spent so much time together, so many years and so many memories. I could not possibly retrieve them all since they have been incorporated into who I am.
And not all of those memories were wonderful but I guess I am lucky because so many were. It was almost that as we were together longer we got better at fitting together-seamlessly and easy. We had so much fun the last few years.

And now-I am lucky I have my family. My family is there for me in ways I could not have predicted. I do not feel so alone.
When I first had children, I remember loving the reality of the four of us-a ready made group that I belonged to, that made me feel a part of something. I was sad when the kids grew up and were busy with their lives and I did not have the group membership as much anymore. So he and I would travel and do things on our own and we became so close, so isolated just the two of us. I still longed for the kids and my favorite times were when we were all together. It was a chore to do this-our schedules so different, our priorities not the same. Like the Harry Chapin song, when they were little kids and wanted us-we were busy, when they were adults and we wanted them-they were busy.
But since he died they have enveloped me and I feel loved and comforted so by their presence. I also feel a bit too dependent, but I am willing to suspend my apprehension at that and hope that in time I will feel more confident by myself. It is almost that I am hidden beneath this grief and only with them am I still me. The me that they know-that he knew. The me that was made up of the wife, the mother, the combination of me and him.
How can I express how grateful I am to them? I am so grateful, so thankful, so comforted. And so at 6 months, I miss him so, and am so lucky that they have been there for me. They are there for me for any life event, for vacations, for company when I am lonely. I cannot thank them enough for this. I hope that they know.

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