I have been thinking about how I reach out to others, or don't reach out, which is more the case. I am not sure why I have trouble connecting, I am like a wind up doll that has run out of steam. I am only capable of hour long interactions and then I am spent. I was even like this with B, even though he would often talk at me all evening long, sometimes demanding me to engage in conversation. And now that I am alone, there is the danger of always being alone, if I do not reach out. What will happen, I used to wonder if he were to die-would I shrivel up and become invisible? I had imagined I would be totally isolated from the outside world, and now I know that there are people around me who will not let it happen. And maybe I know that I won't let that happen either. But there is always that possibility, I just have to work hard to connect at intervals to the people that I feel comfortable with.
I also have to give everyone a break and be open, be forgiving. I need to do this but hope that this message will be heard by those I love. Be forgiving, be tolerant. We all have our flaws and our gifts. Sometimes it is hard to see the good in people, we can get too focused on the things that are irritating and especially now, I am easily irritated. I need to focus on the gifts that people bring to the relationship.
Well, I am tired and dealing with a sick cat, annoying dog and an ant infestation. So more later.