It will be 6 months soon and part of me cannot remember what it was like to be married. How can that be? I was married for 34 years and yet it is very hard work for me to be able to retrieve any memories. I guess I am still numb-still feel so disconnected from the me that was the wife, the lover, the friend, the caretaker. Only the pain feels real, the rest is surreal. When will this pass? Once it does-what will replace it? I think about other people who are alone, is it lonely for them and do they get used to the loneliness? I guess I am lucky that I had love for so long. I guess I am lucky that I really loved my husband. And our love only got stronger and better with time. But this also makes it harder and the loss greater.
Looked at pictures tonight and tried to fit back in to the photo. I would love to be delusional and be comforted by the presence of him. But I am so acutely aware of the loss.