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Sunday, September 20, 2009

celebrating (?) the holidays

Hard to believe that a year ago, we were preparing to move into the castle-stressed but excited about how well life was treating us. What good fortune we were experiencing, a brand new house, walking distance to work, a vacation ahead, all was finally falling into place. We had worked so hard for so long and now we were going to reap the benefits of all the hard work. And then in November things started happening, my car accident, my daughter's loss of a job, my flu and finally his death. Is there a lesson in all of this? I will not go there-try hard to believe that there is no real purpose in this and that it is simply random events. Unfortunate random events.

So I sat in the synagogue, trying hard to feel his presence, remembering how we used to sway and enjoy the music. We held hands, surrounded by our family and enjoyed the start of the holiday. I cried yesterday thinking about how much I miss him, how still unreal it seems at times. Other times it seems too real, too fresh, too much to bear. How will I feel next year? I have been told that it doesn't get easier but you get used to the pain. I really am beginning to understand the pain that accompanies this level of loss. And in some odd way, the pain easing will be welcome but oddly disconcerting. Already I struggle to feel his presence, maybe with the pain ebbing, I won't be able to recollect anything from my past with him.

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