Today was a hard day. Not sure why. Every now and then I just get really tired of being without him. Sometimes the days pass and I can move through them-trying not to think about the turn of events. But today I felt weighted down by the loss of him. I try and tell myself about being alone and how it can be ok to be by myself. I look around me though and see the way I have constructed my life around his presence. The dog, the cats, the house, was not designed for me alone and so the burden of keeping things going that he put in place makes the situation so much harder-or so I think. I am not sure that anything could make this easier or more bearable.
When he first died, I struggled to think about what meaning my life had without him. I could not find any. And then I looked at the two wonderful people that he and I had nurtured and found meaning in being present for them. I am more selfish now then I have ever been because sometimes it is not enough for me. Sometimes the loneliness for him is intolerable. I know that others have done it so I can do it too. It is just that sometimes I do not want to.