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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Thankful?

I miss my best friend. I come home from work and have no one to talk to about my day. I talk to Bebe, but she won't make jokes, like Bruce did.
It is such a struggle to grieve. I try to push myself to remember, although it brings pain. If I do not work on the memories, I go through each day quickly, numb, in a fog, and it is almost as if he never existed.
Next week is Thanksgiving and last year we were so busy-but we still got it together to make a family dinner in our new "castle". So, here we are-here I am. Alone, and planning the usual gigantic family event. I wouldn't want to give it up but am overwhelmed never the less. I have help but still feel overwhelmed and I am sure most of this is due to the emotional toll and the memories of what was. Can I be thankful when life has delivered such a blow? I am trying so hard to be thankful for what I have, even though what I have lost is beyond my recovery.

I need to be patient with myself and to try and take each little bit slowly. I do feel isolated in my grief, and probably was isolated before he died. We were not terribly social and now I feel this acutely. I am not sure what I want. I long for companionship but am so busy that I couldn't find the time for social outlets. My dilemma is that I was so comfortable just having him in my life. I guess I really do not want anyone else-but the price that I pay for this is being alone and sometimes being lonely. I am not sure that I can reconcile this.

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