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Thursday, November 26, 2009

why?

why do bad things happen to good people? I look around and we are all so challenged by life. A father with cancer, a husband with seizures, a child who seeks risk at every turn. And me, my sweet man dead suddenly one morning.

How can we cope with all of this-how do we weather each blow? I watch those I love try and take each day and deal with each challenge. I see me, getting up each morning, thinking that I could very easily find some solace in alcohol or drugs but then I know I can't. There is no solace, I know that burying myself won't help at all. He will still be gone when I turn to face that side of the bed the morning after.

Today is Thanksgiving-usually a joyous time in this house. I remember how Bruce used to tell me that I wasn't nervous, I was excited - when I was overcome with anxiety, thinking of the many mouths I was feeding. I remember that he always picked the chestnuts and scored them for me. I remember how in the last few years-he wanted to experiment with Turdunken, with an organic turkey-and even though he was always disappointed with the result, he still enjoyed the idea of an innovation at Thanksgiving. I remember too-how at midday-he took the kids and they all went to the movies so that I could move through my list of things to do-unhampered.
So-I am sad today.
Is it wrong then to be thankful? I guess the better question to ask is - Do I have something to be thankful for? I can resent the fact that he is gone, that I was dealt too hard a blow. But I am also so grateful that I have some wonderful people in my life-some who will be sitting around my table tonight and when I think of Bruce, I can mentally, I hope put him at the table.

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