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Friday, December 25, 2009

christmas day

it is so hard getting used to being alone. its been 10 months-soon a year and yet the shock to my system remains. How did this happen to me? I do not want to be so alone-but also do not want to be with people. There is no comfort anywhere-no place for me to be and feel secure. If the world ended tomorrow-it would be ok with me.

I keep on feeling that I did not really appreciate what I had when I had it. Perhaps that isn't true, but it sure does feel that way. And so now I wonder whether I am so blinded by my grief that I am not appreciating my children, my friends, the life around me. Is that always the way it is-that we are so caught up with what we do not have that we are unable to see what is there?

So what do I want for this new year? I guess I want to be able to focus on the life that I have and find something in it to sustain me and make me want to get up in the morning.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

what is it about the holidays

I have been thinking about the holidays and why I am always so despondent during this time. Granted this year it is worse than ever. I watch the holiday movies that Bruce so loved-last night it was a very predictable movie that Bruce and I watched last year. He typically would turn to me at the end which was usually very sappy and tearfully say-"how sweet". I would smile at him indulgently. No tears for me. This year the movie made me well up. My favorite hallmark characters Hoops and Yoyo narrated during this years encore and I wanted so to turn to Bruce and laugh about that.
I am having such a hard time doing anything holiday this year. Usually I use this time to thank people for all of their help and that prompts the gift giving. This year I find myself lost in the stores, wondering why I am there. I feel so apathetic. And I am so acutely aware of the celebratory spirit-Bruce was so into that. The incessant holiday music around-mostly his doing in the house and car over the years. People getting together with family and friends for Christmas, New Years, parties at work, with friends. Even when it was just the two of us, whether we stayed home or traveled to Hawaii or Palm Springs, it was ok because we were together. It is so hard to be alone at this time of year, being alone is so highlighted.
I want to dive under the bed and close my eyes until January 2.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

holiday blues

Long time between posts. When I last blogged I think I was lamenting the holidays starting and worrying about Thanksgiving, which was fine. Sunday night after Thanksgiving unveiled my grief and I have been really sad since. On Monday I had a "tear-storm". Everything reminds me of the way that Bruce loved the holidays. The music, the holiday movies and the cheery demeanor of all those around me. I miss him and his utter delight at everything Christmas.

So I am trying to get through this difficult time if only to anticipate the next difficult time. I feel like I am bracing for the monsoons-first Thanksgiving, next Christmas, then New Years. Plus I have a gigantic pile of papers to grade, bills to pay, gifts to give and I am not up to doing much of anything.