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Friday, December 25, 2009

christmas day

it is so hard getting used to being alone. its been 10 months-soon a year and yet the shock to my system remains. How did this happen to me? I do not want to be so alone-but also do not want to be with people. There is no comfort anywhere-no place for me to be and feel secure. If the world ended tomorrow-it would be ok with me.

I keep on feeling that I did not really appreciate what I had when I had it. Perhaps that isn't true, but it sure does feel that way. And so now I wonder whether I am so blinded by my grief that I am not appreciating my children, my friends, the life around me. Is that always the way it is-that we are so caught up with what we do not have that we are unable to see what is there?

So what do I want for this new year? I guess I want to be able to focus on the life that I have and find something in it to sustain me and make me want to get up in the morning.

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