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Saturday, December 19, 2009

what is it about the holidays

I have been thinking about the holidays and why I am always so despondent during this time. Granted this year it is worse than ever. I watch the holiday movies that Bruce so loved-last night it was a very predictable movie that Bruce and I watched last year. He typically would turn to me at the end which was usually very sappy and tearfully say-"how sweet". I would smile at him indulgently. No tears for me. This year the movie made me well up. My favorite hallmark characters Hoops and Yoyo narrated during this years encore and I wanted so to turn to Bruce and laugh about that.
I am having such a hard time doing anything holiday this year. Usually I use this time to thank people for all of their help and that prompts the gift giving. This year I find myself lost in the stores, wondering why I am there. I feel so apathetic. And I am so acutely aware of the celebratory spirit-Bruce was so into that. The incessant holiday music around-mostly his doing in the house and car over the years. People getting together with family and friends for Christmas, New Years, parties at work, with friends. Even when it was just the two of us, whether we stayed home or traveled to Hawaii or Palm Springs, it was ok because we were together. It is so hard to be alone at this time of year, being alone is so highlighted.
I want to dive under the bed and close my eyes until January 2.

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