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Thursday, January 21, 2010

counting down

Eleven months now and anticipating the year mark. It seems almost as if something will magically happen when it is a year. The best would be for him to knock at the door and announce it was all some horrible mistake. But I think that we anticipate the time passing for lots of things and why shouldn't the death of someone be on the list. We mark time, thinking that there is something to be gained when we see time march on.
In this case, what will the passing of the year signify? I am still really sad. Can still come to tears at the thought of the loss of him. One thing that has dulled is the shock-I guess one can get used to anything. I think it may be human nature to establish a routine and I have. But the pain is still there, sometimes so acute that I can fall to my knees and wail. Some of the time I am preoccupied and get busy with a task. Those are the moments when I ask myself if he really died-so certain am I that if I went home, he would open the day and give me a hug.
Life is overwhelming. Everyone I know has too many things to do and somehow I wish I can press reset and start over. I want things to change but also like the comfort of what is stable in my life. I seem forever to be conflicted.
I know what I will do. I will continue on with what has become my life, and try not to dwell on the loss, the sadness and the impossible tasks ahead. One foot in front of another. And I will wait until the path ahead seems certain.

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