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Saturday, January 16, 2010

rocky road

It started Monday and got worse Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday was dismal as well, and Friday just a tad bit better. So sad this week. Last year at this time, Bruce was going in for minor surgery. And he sailed through without a hitch. Just a month before the death, I know that it is probably not connected but it is a bit unnerving anyway.

Some of my angst this week is the thought that the month is going to be this way. How can I survive the month in such emotional pain? Now that it has been almost a year, I expect as do others that I am doing better. But I do not feel like I am doing better right now. Does my anxiety about life get in the way and make the grieving worse? I do not know. Is it possible that I am mislabeling and mis attributing my feelings as loss? Everything relates to him being gone-when life is challenging I miss him more. Not only because I loved him so much, also because he was my safety net, that key element that enabled me to stretch out of my comfort zone because I knew that he was there.

And there are events that are coming up. The series of 3 day weekends. I remember last year being overjoyed at the Mondays home with him. We did work and then attended to house stuff together. I loved our 3 day weekends and remember last year so vividly, two within the month. And then Valentine's day-the last weekend with him. And it was a good weekend too. And finally the day of his death.

I am not sure what to do about the month ahead. Part of me wants to run away-find a cabin in the forest or a hotel room in some remote place and just let it wash over me. Part of me wants to ignore the dates, and just move on in complete denial. I have no repertoire, no menu of strategies to deal with this. And there is a part of me that recognizes this pain as important, necessary to feel part of him again. To remember fully what I had and lost. To bring him close to me.

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