i am letting myself wallow in the grief this week. i have given up pushing memories aside and am fully engaged in remembering not just the life but the death. Yesterday after leaving work early-i came home to Bruce's closet. When we moved into the castle, we had our closets done-I chose the smaller one because i knew that Bruce's shoes alone needed more space than all of my stuff combined. So today, i am left with a well organized closet of all of his favorite things. Most shoes boxes are organized by color and type of shoe. Each box has a digital picture of the shoe inside. The closet has a wonderful smell of leather. As you walk in you are staring at the shoes, but on the other side are all the Hawaiian shirts also organized by color. All that is missing is the man.
i keep the door closed. When i enter the closet i am visually struck by the colors of the Hawaiian shirts but also struck by the wonderful aroma of leather. And i sometimes find myself going through the pockets of clothes to find some message, or some remnant of the life that was. Yesterday, I found in the suit pocket of the suit that Bruce wore to Kate's wedding, the index card of his speech. Instantly i remembered his voice reading the speech and quaking a bit as he recited the words. i buried my face in the shirts and i cried.
i thought back to other times that were hard for me and could only come up with one other time. It was when my newborn son was so sick and i was in the hospital alone watching over him. Thankfully he recovered and came home and got well. This is a hard time and i can't see the end of it. i was very very lucky to have such a full life-full of love and joy and laughter. But once that is gone, how do you deal with what remains?