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Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I wrote this to a friend this morning:

Bruce's yahrzeit is the 10th but somehow that date doesn't mean that much to me. I will light the memorial candle on the 10th and the 20th I guess. This year has been incredibly hard but we also have things that we can be grateful for. I think that I have thought a lot about how hard everyone has it, but in different ways. Some of my friends have difficulty with their children, I mean real trouble like jail time and drugs. I watch the impact of that on their psyche, their marriage, their ability to function. For me the trouble had always been Bruce's health-from his first heart attack 3 months after we moved to California, to bypass surgery and complications 3 years later and finally after 10 years of a bit of stability, his death. The day to day stress of living with worrying about his health was a tremendous anxiety booster. And yet, I was so lucky to have him in my life for as long as I did. And I am lucky now to have what I have-wonderful children, wonderful family and friends. It still hurts to lose what you valued most in your life.

These past few weeks have been a bit hard as well. The last weekend we spent together was Valentine's weekend. We did not do anything big-Bruce taught his last class on the Saturday, while I baked biscotti and then we went to the Bungalow for dinner. I do not even think we got each other anything. We did house stuff the rest of the weekend, finally settling in to the new home that Bruce loved so much-"his castle". This year I am bombarded with Valentine's messages-the flyers, and e-mails from stores, ads in magazines about it and it brings it home to me that he is gone. In fact, this year, this first year, has been about me accepting that he is gone. Hard to believe that he won't walk through the door and hug me and tell me he missed me.

This coming weekend, I wanted to send the kids to Palm Desert to celebrate Valentine's Day but they won't leave me so we are all going. Not sure how hard this will be because Bruce and I used to go fairly often.

More later.

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