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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

oblivion

i am being pulled into the dark hole of despair. What is it about the date of an event that takes its emotional pull on us? The day will be no different than the rest of the 364 days before. It will be my attention to the event that will distress me. Amazing that it is so hard to remember and yet we work that hard when the date is upon us.
I am trying hard to understand this process but part of me acknowledges that the process of grieving is just a ride that you have to go on and get through. It's the one roller coaster that you can not opt out of - no matter how you hate heights or speed or are afraid. The really hard thing is no matter who you have to hold your hand-you are really alone on that ride.
Enough with the metaphors. Last night I had a dream about him. And like my memories, these too are hard to pin down except that I wake up in a muddle of confusion. I want to stay asleep and be with him but I have to get up. When I have gone back to sleep-he is gone, even in the dream. I am glad to dream of him, but really sad when the reality hits me and I miss him all the more.

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