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Saturday, February 20, 2010

one year

There is something potentially magical about dates. I think about this often. Pregnancy due dates, birthdays, deadlines for NIH grants. The date arrives and I anticipate so much.
Today I imagined getting up in the morning and having Bruce beside me in the bed. He was on this day oversleeping because in my married life-even 6:30AM on the weekend was sleeping in. I would curl up next to him and we would chat, and pet Bebe. We would talk about the day and the weekend and the kids. We would make plans to see a movie or call our friends Chris and Sam and go to dinner. Finally we would reluctantly get out of bed and take a shower. We showered together for nearly 34 years. I always said it was our contribution to water conservation. In truth, we just liked being together in the shower. We would get dressed and then would take Bebe and do a long walk and then come home and Bruce would make us lattes.

The strange thing is that a small part of me believed that this would actually happen. We watched so much science fiction that I incorporated part of this into my belief system. And since so much of coping with a person's sudden death is magic-one minute they are here and the next minute they are gone, it seems that it is a possibility. After all, I could not have anticipated his disappearance-so isn't it possible that he would just as suddenly reappear?

And Bruce loved those movies where the protagonist would go back in time and reconnect-bringing the wife or husband with them into the future. There were so many movies that we saw where the death is rescinded - suddenly or not so suddenly through some extraordinary occurrence. So why wouldn't I think that it could happen to me?
Do we all live with this disbelief that someone we loved so much is truly gone? I remember studying child development and learning about how children have a tough time grasping the death of someone. But I am having that rough time too-I cannot really understand that he is gone. I get up every day alone and think - where is he, where did he go, can he really be dead? And that small part of me thinks, if I could apply the magic, turn around 3 times and say his name really fast-would he reappear?

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