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Monday, March 1, 2010

all by myself

since bruce died, i have been thinking a lot about being alone. i went from being in my parent's house to being a student living with my college roommates and then being married. i never lived alone before. Getting adjusted to living alone and processing grief is hard. As a mom, the idea of being by myself was nirvana, now it is too much alone time. i am doing it and maybe am not as lonely as i thought i would be, but it is not time limited. i could be alone for the next 30 years. i guess that is what being a widow means-it is that long stretch of loneliness after death of a spouse. i have always thought that we are essentially alone, even though married, even though a house full of children may await us when we return home. But now everything is context-so when i thought i was alone-i always had someone waiting for me at home and if i didn't return or i was delayed - bruce would be calling and worrying. i miss that. i miss being #1 in someone's life. Because i wasn't really alone at all.

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