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Saturday, March 6, 2010

introspection

i have always been introspective, in college we used to call it contemplating one's navel. i guess since Bruce died, there is more time to do this. Does widowhood invite introspection? Hard to describe how your whole life is thrown off balance. Yes, i get up and go to work the same way, have the same house, and dog and ...... it seems that everything goes on. But it feels like i am literally on shaky ground and so everything gets examined. i am not sure that others going through this experience need to revisit and examine-but i have. i am always replaying scenes in my head-not necessarily scenes filled with him, which is unfortunate given my interest in reliving my moments of my marriage. i am not sure the introspection is good and i guess i have always felt this way. Too much thinking impairs my living, my ability to act. But i cannot help it. i have heard others talk about the need to find meaning in their life and part of me rejects this. My life has some meaning-just not the meaning that i had lived with for 34 years. So, am i trying to find new meaning? For me, i just wish i could feel some of the security that i felt before. Suddenly i am even more tenuous and insecure than i have ever been. Nothing feels comfortable or natural.
What accounts for these feelings-and are they better not processed? Intellectually, i understand that living alone prompts this, that being alone so much - invites the constant inner dialogue. But again, i am unsure whether this is what is called grief and if i do this ad nauseaum, will i get to the other side of the pain? When i see all of the disasters around the world, i can't help but feel that this is my disaster-my earthquake, my tsunami, my tornado. So then am i rebuilding-or still digging out and assessing? Since i still have not made any changes, thrown out the toothbrush and gone through his clothes, i guess i am a bit stagnant. My apologizes to the victims of natural disaster, as i really cannot compare. At times though, it seems a perfect metaphor for how i feel.

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