When Bruce died i wasn't thinking about regret-at least i don't remember thinking much about it. i guess i can look back on my attempts at journaling and figure that out. i seem to be thinking about it now though, looking ahead to the anniversary of my wedding date on Friday.
What do i regret? i regret not appreciating my good fortune and my sweet sweet man. When i look back as i do almost every minute of every day right now, i remember how often i told him i loved him, and how much i felt he was the best thing in my life and my favorite person ever (in line with my kids). I used to cup his chin in my head and look into his eyes and smile at him. i remember doing this every day. i don't think a day went by in the last few years where i did not express some feeling to him about how much i loved him. But it still feels like it wasn't enough, especially now that he is gone.
i guess i am so devastated by his loss that i feel as if i couldn't possibly have understood how lonely this life is, without him. No one can fill the emptiness in my life right now. i am distracted occasionally, but when the distraction ends, and i come home from work, or when the kids go home, it is still me alone in the house without him. My distractions are only temporary bright spots in an otherwise dark world.
i remember thinking last year that grief is like an illness. i literally felt sick with the loss. This year it is like a punishment that i have been dealt and there are no signs that it will ever end. i guess that is what despair is, that bleak feeling that your life is without any hope, that whatever is bad, will be bad forever. i am reminded of Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill, only to have it roll down again and again.