it occurred to me yesterday when i was having a lighter day that i have figured out how it works. i miss him terribly and it doesn't matter how much time passes. But i think that part of me tucks my life with him away as if it happened to someone else or so far in the past i cannot recognize myself with him. it fades away, and maybe the hurt dims with the memory and we move on. i am so struck by the series of losses: him, the memory of life with him, the feeling of being loved, of being so special to one person, the loss in my children's life, the loss of my best friend, my confidante, my barometer. i can't even name all the losses that occurred with his death. But i feel the impact of these losses daily and then become numb and do not feel them at all. i push them aside so that there is only a dull ache which at times fades until i remember.
i guess i do not expect him to walk through the door anymore. Bebe and i go for our walks and for a long time i expected to see Bruce coming round the corner. i am getting used to his absence, of being alone. it is still painful but my expectations have changed. And there is sadness when i think of that as well. Does pain become a friend in grief? Sometimes all i have is pain when i remember-but at least when there is pain, there is memory.