i think about the past - obviously. i am struck by how things seem when you look at context. So, while i may have complained before Bruce died about being overwhelmed, it was nothing compared to how overwhelmed i am now. i may have been anxious at times or depressed-but again all of that pales in comparison with how i feel now. And i am able to look at others and realize that they may not have a clue about how their life can change in an instant - and whatever they are concerned about can get so much worse-in context.
But i also understand that if i had never been married or had a family, this part of my life would not be so bad. It is only in context, looking back on the past, that i appreciate what i had. For some people it is normal to have a full day and come home to emptiness. Being alone may be part of what is normal. i work with someone who is not married, and lives alone and seems to live a very solitary life. So, aren't i better off that i had a very full life, with marriage and children and career? Or am i worse off because my life is so empty compared to what i once had.
i am not sure.