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Thursday, April 22, 2010

the life that was

i wonder if i will ever be the way i used to be. i feel so serious, so devoid of humor. Of course, he encouraged the comic in me, although my family is the first to express that i am not really a "funny person". But i hear his play on words, his jokes, his brand of NY humor all the time in my mind. i do not find anything funny though these days.

Day to day-i am overwhelmed by more sadness and than i am distracted and i push it down. It rises up-usually in the morning, or as i walk to my parking spot anticipating an evening without him. Going home is hard. It is like i have a full time job plus the grief is like the second job that i had to take on. i am tired from all the work-and i am unable to let go of it. Too much hard work ahead as i try to plow through. i am trying to take things one by one, but i am tired and cranky. And there is no relief, i do not cry, and i cannot be comforted. i know that this time will pass but there is no guarantee that next year will be easier. i am still grappling with the life that i lost and the life that is left. it is not enough of a life for me. i cannot change it at this point, and maybe never. i am not sure how to deal with that.

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