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Tuesday, April 6, 2010

the second year

i thought the second year would be easier. But i have been wrong about almost everything thus far. it is not that it is harder-i am more used to my life without him. i think that the first year was about getting over the shock of the fact that he is gone. i was numb most of the time and every now and then the pain would rock me, really deep agonizing pain. This year is more like a dull ache that sometimes is irritating and unbearable.

i can't even cry anymore, just one sob, a screwed up face and then that is it. Occasionally i well up when i speak of how much i miss him. Would crying help? i am not sure. So many losses result from this one great loss. And i continue to feel the edges of my loneliness - only rarely aware of the sharpness of the pain. Otherwise, i move through the days and try not to think about the bleakness of my world without him.

Yes, i am dramatic and this blog has turned into one long wailing wall. But it is hard to continue to complain to those around-even if i thought that anyone was interested, there are no words to express my despair. So i do it here, intermittently. i experiment with the words, process the thoughts that occur to me as i sit often in the early morning. i wake up and contemplate how full my life was before that day. How i was enveloped by his love, and that really helped me to venture out into the world. No safety net anymore.

What lies ahead in this second year? i am not sure but i am not very ambitious. i am apathetic and think that whatever i plan i can wait till the following year to do.

1 comment:

  1. I hear you, Jill. I just wanted to say that.