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Friday, April 30, 2010

stuff

Bruce loved stuff. More than i do in fact. And it is creepy that i still have not gotten rid of anything of his. Almost as if i expect he will come home and get upset because i have thrown his things out. But also because each thing is a memory. And how do i choose which memory to discard? i want them all, no matter how trivial they seem.

i thought that it is a bit strange but did not realize how unusual it was even among the widows in my group. And this made me feel more different and creepy than i normally do. i know that i am an anomaly in the group. i work and they are retired, i struggle financially and they seem to have enough, they seem so well adjusted and i feel so traumatized, and their husbands were all sick for a while and mine just disappeared one day.

Last Sunday when i confessed that my husband's toothbrush remains exactly where he left it on Friday morning the 20th of 2009, they looked at me with alarm. And then i mentioned that everything remained intact, his hat on the coat rack, the novel that he was reading in the bathroom, all of his clothes in the closet. It seems that the day after the funeral, they purged. And now they are all remodeling their houses, making it all over in their singular vision.

i have been told by some that it takes time and that i will be ready one day to get rid of his things. i am not so sure. i guess it is so complicated for me. Overwhelming physically and emotionally. The volume of stuff. But also the meaning of things. And while it is possible to do a little bit at a time, i get home at the end of a day at work and i am exhausted. Part of this is depression-i understand how the day is so much work and my energy level is not what it used to be. It is hard to interact when all i feel like doing is curling up into a ball under the bed and not come out-ever. So going through the day and then coming home and going thru the stuff is too much.
The widows suggested that i put his toothbrush in a drawer-the first step to eventually getting it to the garbage can. Maybe i will try this.

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