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Monday, May 3, 2010

denial

ok-so now i admit i am bit in denial-or aspire to be in denial. i put the toothbrush in the garbage and then took it out and placed it in the drawer. There is definitely an emotional tie to all of his things. And also my things that are tied to memories with him. i am trying to figure this out. There is fear there-fear of losing the memories that i have of him. The things are a gateway to him and i guess i am afraid that if i lose the things i will lose the memories as well.

But it borders on the absurd. Can i throw anything out? So much effort at trying to determine how much an emotional string exists in looking over all the stuff. How much can i push myself. i believe that there is growth there-that if i push myself enough, it will be healthier for me.

On a completely different train of thought-i was thinking about the complex set of losses. Not just him, but also the companionship and friendship of someone. i feel so solitary now. So would the loss of him be different if not compounded by the loss of everyone?

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