When Bruce died, i was in shock for a long time and supposed that eventually the numbness would wear off. What i did not anticipate was that the numbness would be replaced by pain and then the pain would be replaced by depression. Bruce used to tell me that i had a hard time visualizing the way things could be-like if we were to redo the flooring and i could not imagine what it would look like. Well, of course he was right, i cannot accurately predict how i will feel about anything in my future. i am a bit unnerved that my image of the widow me is so different from the romantic view that i had envisioned.
As time passes, i increase the window of time for my life on grief street. i thought that the passage of the year would put me in a better place than when he first died. Then i thought that it would take two-now i am thinking that it may be 5 or forever. i am not sure that i can ever recover. There are grief recovery workshops but i wonder how do you recover from this type of blow? Like a boxer in the ring, i may be able to get up and go a few more rounds-but i am not the same. What this has done to my psyche is irreparable. i am not the same, i do not recognize myself sometimes. What happened to me-was who i was, buried with him on Newport Coast?
And so i live on grief street and may have that address for a very long time. i guess he was right about my ability to foresee the future without him-it feels dark and sad. i was so dependent on him for so many things. i could do anything, knowing that he was home and waiting for my call.