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Thursday, May 6, 2010

Shades of gray

i have been feeling lower than usual. Not sure why-there is no event coming up or special day to remember. Yesterday morning i did not want to get out of the car after returning from the gym. Why bother?
But i got out of the car and walked the dog and took a shower, got dressed and went to work. And i thought about my life all day. Its as if when he died the color disappeared from my vision and all i can see are shades of gray. Some days i try hard to think of some positives but lately there are none that i can identified. i get tired of having to wade through the quicksand.
Bruce was the one who said that attitude was everything and he often reframed what i was feeling into something more positive. "No", he would often say, "You are not anxious, you are excited"- and we often referred to catastrophes as "adventures". So what do i do now that the person who could turn things around for me is gone? i have never been good about doing this for myself and it does not seem as if i will ever get started.
i hate this world without him. He infused my life with color and laughter. He could always get me to perk up, even if it was because i was exasperated. i do not feel strong enough or energetic enough to do this for myself.
i have stopped trying to find the positives in every day. Just feeling veiled by my grief-so that my vision is restricted. I need to find some motivation to continue trudging along.

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