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Monday, May 17, 2010

small steps

i am making some small steps. Last week (or maybe the week before), i removed the toothbrush from his side of the sink. i tried to throw it away but dug it out of the garbage and put it in a drawer. On Friday, i took all of his underwear and put it in the trash and left it there. By Friday afternoon the trash was gone and i had succeeded in moving a bit forward. Yesterday, we hung some pictures in the family room, a task that Bruce and i were going to do the weekend that he died.

Small steps forward and the emotional toil is enormous. i do not want to take steps without him beside me. He always wanted to hold my hand as we walked. After his heart attack and bypass surgery we would walk for miles around the neighborhood in the morning. He would hold my hand or grab my sweatshirt to move me forward at his pace. We speed walked almost as a unit. No wonder that i am having so much trouble taking steps without him.

But i know that my survival depends on my moving on. i cannot hold on to my life with him forever-some of that life in the form of material things must go. So next week, i will take another small step and maybe at some point some day, the only things i will hold on to will be the memories.

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