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Monday, May 10, 2010

still missing him

Missing him sometimes comes in waves. i am ok one minute and then overwhelmed with missing him the next. Not sure why but these past 2 weeks have been especially hard. Last night i was struck as i left to walk the dog how much we complimented each other. i was always trying to spend as little as possible on things and he would often say that i got what i paid for. He usually got me to agree to spend more and get nicer stuff.

i thought about that as i contemplated replacing or buying things over the years. Who will do that for me now that he is gone? We had a great rhythm, he and i. i look around the house and i have a story about all the purchases that we made together. My friend Lil said last night that the house was like a newlywed's house with everything new and shiny when he died. Like we were starting over. She said that it would be hard for me to see the house as mine since most of the things, including the house had no history. He died 4 months after we moved in and most of those months were about renovation and then unpacking.

Recently i thought that in order to resurrect my life, i would need to work hard to bring some good things in. What i did not realize was that the hard work already began, i will have to work hard to avoid being swallowed by the quicksand that is grief. Everyday is hard work.

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