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Saturday, May 22, 2010

the weekend

Weekends are especially hard. i used to love weekends when he was alive. They gave us time and although we didn't always plan events sometime the long stretch of days without plans was wonderful. We would usually grab a movie with friends and then have dinner. Sometimes on Sunday morning we would get up early and go to the beach to have breakfast overlooking the ocean. But most of all it was a chance for us to be together, without rushing around.

Yesterday, the weekend looming, i felt such an intense wave of sadness wash over me. Another weekend. So much to feel sad about-i miss him, i am lonely and i am too apathetic and isolated to reach out. It is not that i want to do anything either. My natural inclination after the busy week is just to sit around. i have nowhere to go and no one to go with-which could be a good thing. Maybe sometimes it is a good thing-but last night, it felt bad-making me miss him all the more.

Recently, i was thinking about how good everything was right before he died. And now i feel as if all of the work i did to achieve some measure of success is gone. i was mentally good-having come away from menopause and his illness with lots of anxiety-i finally had some control over that. i was physically in good shape, we went to the gym daily and i felt fit. i was getting a handle on my new job and i had a beautiful new house, finally able to decorate and enjoy. And then the death. Now i am depressed. My body is full of aches and pains and i have trouble getting myself motivated to exercise. So much changed in one morning.

How and when will i ever recover from this?

2 comments:

  1. Dear Jill,
    My name is Erin Vincent. I am the author of the memoir 'Grief Girl' about my parents dying when I was 14. I am currently working on another book about grief and just Googled "grief"... and your blog popped up.
    Jill, my heart goes out to you. Oh how I wish I could take away your pain. What you are going through now is my worst fear. I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose the love of your life.
    I have spoken to a lot of people about their grief, and the one thing I can say is it does get better. But, God, it does take a lot of time.
    I only hope you have people around you who recognize this... that grief is a horror that feels never ending. Just when you feel you are getting a foothold, everything falls away again.
    Anyway, just wanted to say hello and let you know someone out here in Cyberspace is thinking of you.
    With best wishes,
    Erin x

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  2. Thanks so much for responding-sometimes i wonder if anyone else is out there. I appreciate your kind words.

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