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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

why now?

i have been struggling these past 2 weeks in a worse state than usual and i have been wondering why now? Nothing really is different. But i have been in a really sad state. Mother's day came and went and yes, even that reminds me that i am without him. He was always quick to point out that he really did not need to acknowledge Mother's Day since "I was not his Mother". But he did rally the kids when they were little before my daughter took over and planned things. Still part of being the Mom was having him be the Dad. So maybe part of the current tsunami of grief is about Mother's Day and the upcoming Father's Day that follows.

But i am thinking that maybe some of this is the realization that my life needs to change-that i need to start getting rid of his things and make my life about me alone. i am trying to push myself forward. i never really believed that i would do things when i was ready-which is what everyone tries to tell me. i don't buy into that i will be motivated by some inner time line. i have always pushed myself against my inclination to sit back. i have gotten where i am because of the push-i guess i feel if i wait till i am ready, i may be 92 and wheelchair bound. So i propel myself forward and i always had his help. i actively get up and do something, even though my desire is to do nothing-lie in bed and read a good book.

The conversation that i had with the widows made me feel that there was some sense of urgency about the stuff. Maybe i feel that i would be mentally healthier if i can start to come to terms with the things he left behind. It has also uncovered some resistance - i guess it is the final acknowledgment that he is gone and will never be here. Even though i know this intellectually, i think if i look around and his things are gone, it somehow reinforces my loss. Everything reminds me of him and has a specific memory tied to it. He wanted this big house and had the vision, which we made happen. Once his things are gone-there will be a new emptiness. i already deal with the emptiness that accompanied losing him-now when i look around there will be empty drawers, empty rooms-more emptiness that i cannot fill.

So maybe i am being anticipating a new chapter in my grieving? i do not know. i do know that i need to get a handle on all of this-i am just too sad lately. But i do not know how to begin to deal with this flood of sadness. Yes, i am being self-absorbed and self-indulgent, and this too needs to pass. But for now, i will wade through the feelings until i figure out how to get past it.

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