It has been a long time. I move from exhaustion to sadness as the academic year officially comes to an end. Usually a time for a deep breath and the start of vacation, or at least a less frenetic pace. Before Bruce died, we were overjoyed at the start of the summer although my schedule and his were always mismatched. When he stopped teaching for the year, I was still in full swing. By the time that I stopped, he had started teaching summer session. But we were still happy about the approach of the summertime. Sometimes we went to Hawaii, and the year before he died, we went to Europe.
So I have no energy to write, no energy to have coffee with my new found family of widows. I am tired. My exhaustion since he has died always is accompanied by a cranky irritable "I do not want to do this anymore" attitude. It is as if I could simply decide I have had enough of his absence and he would magically appear. As if it were that easy.
As time goes on, I know that this too shall pass. Do not mistake this for optimism. I just know that the days will march on-no matter what my mood, or how tired I am of my lonely life. Maybe tomorrow, I will find the energy to pick up the phone, or take care of the hundreds of items on the "to do" list. Maybe tomorrow, I will feel a bit less sad.