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Friday, June 4, 2010

no surprise

i was thinking yesterday that it is no surprise that i am so off kilter without Bruce. i got married so young-just turned 19 the week before i got married. In some ways, i was a young 19, in some ways not so young. Life was a bit turbulent growing up and i was very introspective, fascinated even then about human behavior. Bruce was my first real love. i had boyfriends in the past, but no one person who i was really intimate with, who directed me in the way that he did. He was extremely bossy-maybe even a bully. i let him dictate to me. At some point, i realized that i went from home where my mother told me what to do and think, to my marriage where my husband told me what to do and think.

So there was no period of time where i formed an identity independently. And i have never really been alone. Although, this gives me a perspective, it does not really help me to cope. It just informs me about how hard this is, and how unprepared i was for the loss.

So now what? i miss him. i dislike that i feel so out of my element without him. And our relationship changed so much over the years as we both grew up (he was only 20 when we married and like me - a young and old 20 year old). We really worked hard on the bossy bully him and the introspective wimpy me. We were finally in sync, and our hard work was finally coming to fruition. i knew me through him. In some ways, i understood myself in response to him-where i had been and where i was. i feel lost, and have a hard time feeling sure about anything. And i miss him. i was always entertained by him. And so loved.

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