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Wednesday, June 2, 2010

o canada

i am not sure how it was actually decided that Canada was the best place to celebrate Memorial Weekend but we did it last year and then again this past weekend. The long weekends are hard for me. It is not because we did anything big-although Bruce would have loved going places. He loved to go on trips anywhere - even liked the idea of going somewhere close and staying over in the hotel. Traveling to San Diego or to LA, Bruce always wanted to stay overnight in a hotel and i always wanted to be at home. Ironic that we are sometimes so out of synch with those that are so important to us.

A long weekend at home was perfect before Bruce died. We would often spend a day catching up with work and get to spend some really good quality time, watching movies, breakfasting at the beach, etc. i have written about this before, how now the long weekends stretch before me and i am confronted so by the loneliness in my life. Last year, Vancouver was the place we went to escape the Memorial Day blues. One would think he was a veteran, the way i react to the holiday. But we traveled to Canada and it was such a good distraction that we (or i) decided to do it again. This time we went to Victoria, BC.

Bruce would have loved the trip-the museum with the totems and information about the First nation peoples, the Castle with the interesting stories about the family that lived there (she was a widow too) and the gardens. It was a lovely trip with many distractions. i was surrounded by my kids, and the feeling that i still have a family, still have people who love me who won't let me disappear.

But coming home is hard. Even while i am away, i have to resist the urge to call him and tell him that i arrived safely. i see souvenirs that he would have loved and want to bring them home to him. And then when i arrive home to the empty house, i am confronted once again with the reality of his death.

Hard to imagine the road ahead when i thought i had everything so well organized in my life. His death so unpredicable-now my life so uncertain.

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