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Wednesday, July 7, 2010

random thoughts

I am frequently engaging in an internal dialogue-perhaps I always have but since Bruce died, I am more aware of it. Among other things that I really miss is the discussion or maybe accurately the venting that I did to Bruce when I got home from various places - work, lunch with a friend, shopping. We did so much together so maybe the dialogue always took place about what we were doing. Occasionally Bruce would tell me I was chattering away or that I forgot that we no longer were involved in the conversation that we had the day before. But he always knew what I was talking about and often we would simultaneously say the same sarcastic comment in response to a news report or social event.

I miss the intimacy of him and me. Knowing that he and I were there for each other gave me so much stability. And the life that we built together now has to be organized by me alone. Too much responsibility - not anything that I would have agreed too-yet here I am. It is hard sometimes to remember how or that I was loved. I know that he loved me very much and that the love we had grew and shifted over time. The history that we shared, the knowledge that we had of each other is gone forever. Funny how that now that it is gone, it is more earthshaking than a 9.7 quake.

The days pass. I sometimes feel like I am emotionless and then other times that I am caught in a web of feelings and I cannot find my way out. Memories whiz by, sometimes so ethereal that it is hard to focus on them. They float by as I doing one thing or another, and it almost feels like I need to rewind to realize that it was a memory of him evoked by a random act.

I think of things that I need to process, but by the time I am sitting in front of the computer they are gone and I face the empty page and nothing comes to me.

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