I finally got a prescription for some medication on Friday and now am officially medicated. I did not feel that I could continue to go on although maybe the end of the summer would bring me out of the latest deep valley. I do not want to move on but know that I must. I at some point need to leave the grief behind me.
I am not trying the medication because I think it will erase the pain. I think that the pain will be there always. What has got to change is how distracted I am by the grief so that I have a hard time concentrating on other things. Initially distractions were what helped me cope day to day-now the loss is the distraction. I am lonely and sad and overwhelmed by these emotions. Anything that goes awry totally sends me into a tailspin. I need to be more resilient than that. I need to be able to handle the variances in my life. This week Bebe was sick and I totally freaked out. The volume of work piling up paralyzes me. I need to be able to cope. I am hoping that if my mood lifts slightly, I will be able to manage. I am hoping that I will be able to focus and be productive. I am hoping for some magic from this little pill.
Next week I will finally see the gravestone and I know that I am dreading seeing his name at the grave. Part of me wants to finally place my hand there, but part of me recognizes that it represents another milestone in my loss. This has been such a hard summer, so much harder than the first. It is fitting then that I end the summer with the unveiling of the gravestone, 2 days after the 18 month anniversary of his death.
I continue to wonder how I got here. I remember back to the day on the 20th of February at the gym when he died and wonder how it all happened and how my life changed so radically in a matter of moments. I was a witness to part of it and yet still don't understand how all of this happened. My life before then is a bit dim, almost as if it happened to someone else and my life has always been lonely and sad. Or is this the part of my life that is happening to someone else? At times this feels so surreal.
Well, I am hoping for some magic. Even a smidgen to help me move along, past the gravestone, past the loss, past the life that I lost. On to something different.