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Sunday, August 1, 2010

the road ahead

Last week I decided to take a break and left town for a few days. I was hoping for some relief - some rest so that I could return and be more functional and less bereft. Today I will head back home and tomorrow I will go back to work and see how I feel. The road ahead is somewhat uncertain-at least emotionally.

I am not sure how I will recover from this loss. Sometimes the pain is from missing Bruce and sometimes the pain is from other losses-being alone for the first time, navigating the life that 2 people made, feeling lonely. I lost my best friend, my cheerleader, my confident, my coach. Aside from missing him, it has thrown my whole life and life plan out the window. All the plans we made, the life I imagined-now is meaningless. And with all the pain, is the turmoil. I now need to be somehow more functional than I have ever been. As I write this-I wonder if it is true-I guess I have an excuse now. But who excuses me? I guess I expect myself to be on target - even if I am not sure where the target is anymore.

How will this get easier? Is it merely the "getting" used to his absence, the burden of being the only worker bee in my life? Does the pain ease just because the memories fade with time? I remember being married once and being loved and cared for. I remember being Bruce's everything-feeling that love every single day. I remember coming home from a busy day and unloading my angst on his shoulders and having him spin the day's events. Will I forget this, will my memories feel like they are some dream I had, or good book that I have read? I have been told that at some point I will turn the corner on this intense grief. How does this happen? Do I need to create it?

I know that I am so tired of this new chapter in my life. I need a respite but he is not here to prod me to take some time to recoup. I need to be more aware of the fatigue and the workload. I am on a road I have never traveled before and there are many hills ahead.

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