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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

This is for you Carole, and for me too

OK-so I was asked today if I had 1 enjoyable thing that I experienced today. Funny, before Bruce died it was three-now we are attempting to find one. It is a good exercise, I need to remind myself every day - what was enjoyable. It doesn't matter how small-I know that it is my best interest to find something.

The weird thing is that part of me does not want to acknowledge the joy. I do not think it is guilt that I am alive and he isn't. I know that it is ok to find pleasure in things and I do. I just feel so sad, I am wallowing in it. Maybe down deep I think that if I am miserable enough, he will come home, or maybe it is that if I am miserable enough, some good things will come my way? We had such a great few months back in September of 2008. We found this house, we sold ours, we reduced our debt, we bought such beautiful things for our beautiful house and we finally felt like we were climbing out of the hole and then Wham! One bad thing followed another-culminating with the death and then life was so bad and it remains bad. If I suffer enough, will things turn around? I do not know. But I am going to force myself to find something to acknowledge that is positive in each day.

So here goes:

What was good today:

The flowers were planted and my back patio and front patio looks good. I get pleasure from seeing it in order.

I watched a show called the Big C about a woman dying of cancer-who takes control of things in her life that were out of control. She thinks back to her adolescent son as a small boy and tries to connect with him. I thought of my 2 now adult children. I remember pieces of their childhood and the pleasure I got from them. I especially remember my little boy's arms and how he would crawl around on the ground which prompted people to call him bug. I remember my little girl's face as she slept, peaceful and flushed with sleep. I remember how we would play games in the car and on vacation, and how we would have song fests on long drives.
I got pleasure from watching the show-even though the storyline was rather macabre.

Tomorrow is another opportunity to find pleasure. More then.

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