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Saturday, August 21, 2010

The visit

Yesterday I delayed as long as I could and then I visited the stone. I slowly approached the area and noted that there was a funeral very close by, in fact I could hear the service from the stone. I was disappointed that I could not be alone. I felt conspicuous - something that I came alone just to avoid. But I went up to the stone to look, to touch his name and to see how it affected me. I was washed over with a profound sadness-that continues. I teared up but did not cry. I wanted to-but was so aware of the activity to my left. I am not sure why it is so hard for me to cry. I would think it would bring some relief. But for some reason, I don't unless I am totally overwhelmed. I went to my car and left the cemetery, feeling so sad. I then went to pick up some food for the unveiling. At that point, I really did not feel like attending to buying, preparing or serving anything to anyone.

I still have the headache that started yesterday after the visit. Maybe it will last till Monday. Seeing his name reinforced his death in a way that makes no sense. I know that he is dead, I saw him die, I saw him in the coffin, I saw him buried. But staring at his name on the stone brought it back and my head is so filled with thoughts of him since then. When I went to sleep last night, before I fell asleep, I tried to relive the trip we took the summer before he died. Bruce and I walking the streets of Scotland, holding hands. Just after he died, I did that every night while I waited for sleep. It was comforting. But it gets harder to retrieve the memory and I worked hard last night to walk the streets with him hoping for some relief.

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