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Saturday, October 2, 2010

abnormal grief

When is grief abnormal? I can't quite believe that you can be married to someone for 34 years and then be expected to get on with your life after a year or two. So is it abnormal to feel so sad after 19 months? I think that the first 15 months I was in shock-not believing that it was possible that he died. It was so sudden, and there was no warning. I thought that we had taken care of everything and that he would never die of anything cardiac. And then it happened. He was there one minute and gone the next. I still have trouble really believing that he is gone and will never return. It is further complicated by the fact that we got married so young (I was just 19), so we grew up together. When I have a thought-I have to wonder where it came from, is it his or mine. We were so enmeshed, so to me it makes sense that my bereavement is a long term prospect.

But yet the sadness is so overwhelming at times. This week, I have been leaking tears-something that I did not think possible for me. I usually don't cry and when I do, it is so dramatic. Wailing, sniffling, sobbing. This week I have ladylike tears that appear at the corners of my eyes and can start and then stop at any time.

I guess I have learned patience - if only patience for myself. I am preparing myself for the fact that I may be in this funk for awhile. I think it is ok and to be expected and I guess if those around me don't understand it-there is nothing that I can do. I just have to be patient with myself and they have to be patient with me. I do have hope that one day, I won't feel so sad. I am not sure when that will be but I will try to hold on to that for the future.

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