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Saturday, October 23, 2010

Equilibrium

I vacillate. This week I was busier than usual with work. This meant that I came home late and struggled to keep Bebe fed and walked in light of that busy schedule. Did I miss Bruce? You bet. I missed his picking up the slack, his waiting for me when I walked through the door. I missed him taking care of the garage door when it started acting up. I even missed him nagging me to go to the gym, and coming home to yet another insipid judge show. As an aside, he watched every judge show on the air-no matter how silly they were. Judge Judy and the People's Court were the best-Judge Alex and Judge Joe Brown towards the bottom and then there were others that even dipped below those.

So I digress. I vacillate between being totally devastated by my loss and totally getting used to being by myself. Some days I actually am not surprised when he doesn't walk in the door, greeting Bebe first and then me. It is beginning to feel "normal" to be alone. As I have written before, it is not the "alone" part of my widowhood that is so bad, it is the "without him" part that is awful. I am sad, I am pissed off at the universe for taking him away. I am also getting used to being by myself, to dealing with life with all it's complications by myself. Even though I get frightened dealing with some of the parts of my life that I deal with, I do deal with it all, even if I do not deal with it well.

And I guess I mourn the loss of the mourning. When grief leaves, what is there to replace it? Does the emptiness inside me spread? Will I forget what it was like to be loved the way he loved me? I will just join the ranks of those people who are alone. It won't matter that I was once part of a couple, that I opened the door to my house and there were people there who thrived on my presence. Now when I open the door, there is a moment when I long for Bruce calling out to say hi, and the kids running towards me complaining about their day. But I open the door and there is silence - and then Bebe walks towards me with a toy in her mouth and Frankie the cat starts the meowing. I guess I am lucky that I have pets. That there is something waiting for me at home.

So that was this week. Who knows what next week will bring. Maybe each day the grief will rise up and greet me like an old adversary, comfortable-yet hard to deal with. Maybe the grief will begin to fade and I will forget that my life was once full of love and laughter. I guess I will have to wait and see.

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