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Monday, October 4, 2010

No, he isn't coming home

It struck me last night that there is a part of me that lives as if he is coming home. I struggle with changing anything-because down deep I think that one day he will walk through the door and ask me about the changes. I analyzed this-is this the way I have felt since he died-or is this now? I have come to accept that my thoughts vary from day to day but do I really believe that he is coming home?

It is hard to accept the finality of his death, at least for me. We lived together for so long-that it feels surreal to be without him. It is like suspended animation and one day I will wake up and there we will all be. So do I cling to the way things were done before he died because there is comfort in that-or am I so in denial that I cannot move on? Of course, I would like to believe in the former-that I am finding comfort where I can, and that with time, I will fully incorporate a reality without him.

October 7th is approaching and he would have been 56 years old. I was prepared to let this go without any acknowledgment-after all, Bruce would say he can't have a birthday if he is dead. But I know that it is in my thoughts. Birthdays are a big deal to me, a way to celebrate a life. Even, I guess, a life cut short.

Happy Birthday week, Bruce.

1 comment:

  1. Jill...I posted a comment on the entry after this one but I don't see it show up. Anyway, I see from this entry that you were married 34 years...for me it was 33...and that it is 19 months. For me, it is four and a half years. For you, super sudden, for me...one month.
    I also was in shock for as long as you are...I just could not believe that Jimmy no longer existed. (in my life or just the world in general) You are a wonderful writer and I do think that will help you pinpoint your grief..so many feelings floating around...writing helps to identify exactly what you're feeling. Helped me. Keep in touch.
    It does get easier.

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