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Monday, November 1, 2010

Fading memories

Yes, I have written about this before. Faded memories of him, although I think I dream about him. Okay by me, even though I do not remember my dreams-I am comforted by the fact that I wake up feeling that we have visited during the night. I miss him. At least 10 times daily, I think about how much I miss him and want to tell him things. I lean over to Bebe and talk to her about it but she doesn't quite fill the void.

The void. It occurs to me that as he fades, I am getting used to it. Someone told me that as time passes that what replaces the past is the new normal. So I am setting my new routines and getting used to the empty house. Last night was Halloween, a holiday that he loved and the second one without him. Particularly bittersweet because we moved the October before he died in to our brand new home-we moved in on the 30th of October, 2008. We celebrated Halloween in our new home the next day and he was excited about all the children in our neighborhood clamoring for candy. We had 34 years of setting up our life and it has been 20 months in the "new normal"

The "new normal" is not as horrible as it used to be. I do not always mind being alone-I just wish that I had him coming home to look forward to. I miss him, I am lonely for him, I want to talk to him. But as time goes on, it is beginning to feel normal that he is not here and not coming home. I guess I resent this as well-but I am getting used to it.

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