Yesterday was a very hard day and I am still trying to figure out what set it off. I guess it started early in the morning when I was thinking about how hard it is not to have someone love me as much as Bruce did. Even when I was angry at him-I knew that he loved me. He frequently looked at me with such love and tenderness in his eyes and just before he died he told me that when I walked into the room, he still felt dizzy with love. Another widow told me what she really missed was loving her husband and pouring energy into him. I have to acknowledge that what I really miss is being loved. I was always aware that Bruce wanted to spend time with me all the time. This sometimes was a burden, but the absence of this all consuming love is horrific. I am often left feeling that really no one wants to spend time with me. And of course, I think about the people in my life, and the activities they are involved with. I am alone during the holidays, have no plans for a summer vacation.... Time stands before me and I need to do the work to bring everyone together. I do not really want to put the energy into planning things where I feel as if I am forcing others to be around me and I am not such good company. I am not sure what the answer is.
Yesterday, I also felt stressed by the work that I need to do and how inadequate I feel about my ability to do a good job. How much of this is the grief and the sadness and how much of this needs to be repaired, I do not know. I sometimes wonder if I need to retire from everything and start fresh. There is no pleasure in doing what I am doing because I feel that I am doing such a poor job. I have trouble with the smallest things such as getting papers graded and teaching a class. But the biggest issue is that I really do not get any pleasure or excitement from my job. I guess, like everything else, I am just going through the motions hoping that one day I will derive some pleasure from my life. When does this feeling end? I thought I had turned the corner, but at various points in the week, the distress is worse than ever.
And so I need to rally to be able to finish out the year. I need to be at meetings, preparing for them so that I get my work done. I need to finish grading papers. I need to take a trip to help out a family member. I need to try and revise a grant, and plan for the next quarter's courses. And I do not want to do any of it but have to push through and just do it. Where is my cheerleader now? Who will care when I don't get things done? Who will even know about it?