I have been thinking about the last entry, especially in light of the phone calls and conversations that followed from my family. I know that often these entries are hard to read because they seem so sad. I guess what makes the process of coping with the loss so hard is that change comes when you never really wanted any. Maybe that is always true, you fall into a routine and you get used to that routine. And invariably you are pushed in to a change that you never requested: maybe a change in a job because you got laid off, or a change in your spending because money is tight. Even a change in your trip to work because the freeway has construction. It is the magnitude of the change that is alarming here-I have to change and frankly do not want to. I was comfortable letting Bruce do the social stuff-planning the trips, the getting together with friends etc. Now I have to re-invent myself-which on the surface may seem exciting but in reality is not something I ever anticipated. My life was fine the way it was before his death. I had a busy career and a busy life with a very funny, loving, social husband who planned our extracurricular activities so that I had a very full life. Now my days are full with work but there is little else that occupies me. All of this would be fine, except the isolation, especially around the holidays, is hard to deal with.
So I need to take this non-social me and re-tool. Ugggh. I need to meet some new people or at least reach out to the people that I have shunned so successfully after Bruce's death. I am so talented at shutting everyone out. But I need to make the choice about whether to re-tool as I call it or be happy all by myself. Something has got to change.
I will think on this some more.