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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Home for the Holidays

I have been trying to remember bits and pieces and waiting then for the accompanying sadness. Less of a tidal wave, more of light veil wrapped around me. As I say endlessly, I miss him. The holidays bring more images of us, of him and in contrast the life I now own. I know that I dream of him. Yesterday, I think I dreamed that I was spending money we did not have and he was reminding me of the fact. The kids were younger and so the dream involved the whole family, maybe a bit of the past mixed with the imagined scenario.

I am pretty resigned to spend the holidays by myself, at home. Bebe will bypass the vet and I will try and plan each day with some time for school work, some time for house work (need to start organizing and throwing or giving away) and some time for relaxation (knitting and watching movies). I am a bit concerned that the time will pass with me accomplishing nothing but laying on the couch-so maybe I will set up a few days with nothing but couch time (I need to plan this at the end of some work time or work will not happen). Truth is that I am totally without any motivation to do anything, just want to crawl in to bed and stay there. Familiar lament, I know, but there it is. I am not sure if it will pass or how long it has been present.

Seems like I have been concentrating on just getting through the days. Part of my grief seems so surreal, and I try not to think, just do. Last week, our rabbi emeritus died, a wonderful man who knew Bruce and I very well. He called me once a week after Bruce died. I have spent the past week attending a funeral and paying a condolence call. I watched the recent widow cope with the death, while watching those of us who are less recent cope with the loss. I think I relived the grief I faced when Bruce died, when I attended the events surrounding the funeral. Not surprising that this happens-I think that sometimes my emotional state is hypersensitive to the events around me.

Time to start the day and get through it.

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