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Saturday, January 29, 2011

Approaching the Second Year Anniversary

I don't think that I ever liked January or February before Bruce died and I certainly have not changed my mind since. These are the bleakest months. Even though I live in California, there is something so dismal about them.

I am approaching the anniversary of the death-the past 2 years like a blur. I remain sad-almost inconsolable. How can a life change so much? I can think of so many bad analogies. Parts of my life are intact-I still work and have the minor ingredients of my life, like Bebe, and my kids. But there is something so fundamental that is missing. It is like a meal without taste, or getting a bouquet of flowers without a scent.

I realize that it is only up to me to create a new life that will be rewarding. It is up to me to move past my past and construct a future. But I do not feel able to do this, hard to move past the inertia and sadness. I am miserable and hoping that it will one day pass-but if it is up to me to do this-how will it happen?

So I look ahead to a month of remembrances. I will remember Bruce unpacking the boxes in his "brand new castle", I will remember the glee that he expressed as he invited people to a housewarming that we planned but never had, I will remember our last Valentine's Day dinner at the Bungalow, and then the last trip to the gym.

If you can read this out there in Cyberspace honey-I love you and miss you more than I can express.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Arrested Development

When does grief become abnormal grief? And if I am experiencing this-then what? I already have a therapist, already have been on medication and off. Now what? Does it help to label that I am stuck?

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Inertia

The New Year. Time for reinvention or just new resolutions. Anything is possible. So much promise for things to be different. And yet, there is the potential that this year will be just like the last. All change requires work. Part of me wants to sit in the past, buried in the memories prompted by his things. If I get rid of his things, I will have to work too hard to remember him.

There is some comfort in the past-even though it is laced with sadness. Can both exist? It feels comfortable to dwell in a house that once was his, even though at times it pains me that he created something that he never got a chance to enjoy. But as time passes there is more comfort than sadness. And that is what keeps me locked in the past. It is uncomfortable to think of the unknown. If I try something new-what would it be like? There is the potential that new experiences may bring joy-but also require work and possibly lead to disappointment.

Inertia. Easy to go on day to day and not think about changing anything in my life. It is not as if I am just sitting around-my life is busy and my list of things to do is enormous. But every now and then-I get a glimpse of what my life once was and I think that maybe there is more for me out there if I could only harness some energy to try something different. But then I close this blog and go back to my list and my life. Not ready yet? Will I ever be ready?