I don't think that I ever liked January or February before Bruce died and I certainly have not changed my mind since. These are the bleakest months. Even though I live in California, there is something so dismal about them.
I am approaching the anniversary of the death-the past 2 years like a blur. I remain sad-almost inconsolable. How can a life change so much? I can think of so many bad analogies. Parts of my life are intact-I still work and have the minor ingredients of my life, like Bebe, and my kids. But there is something so fundamental that is missing. It is like a meal without taste, or getting a bouquet of flowers without a scent.
I realize that it is only up to me to create a new life that will be rewarding. It is up to me to move past my past and construct a future. But I do not feel able to do this, hard to move past the inertia and sadness. I am miserable and hoping that it will one day pass-but if it is up to me to do this-how will it happen?
So I look ahead to a month of remembrances. I will remember Bruce unpacking the boxes in his "brand new castle", I will remember the glee that he expressed as he invited people to a housewarming that we planned but never had, I will remember our last Valentine's Day dinner at the Bungalow, and then the last trip to the gym.
If you can read this out there in Cyberspace honey-I love you and miss you more than I can express.